Leaving the Message 7 - Overcoming Fear

Former members of a religious cult often refer to their experience as imprisonment, which also frequently comes as a surprise to people that they knew and loved. As they leave the group, they leave behind several questions to those who remain behind: “Why did they call it a prison? They were free to leave at any time!"  "They seemed to like it in our group for so many years, why the sudden change?" The truth of the matter is that it is equally painful for people who remain in a cult when someone they love leaves them behind, and equally difficult for both current and former members to understand why.

Fear of leaving is a fundamental part of leaving a destructive cult, and each individual person handles that fear differently. Some are vocal and try to help others escape with them. Some go silently, never address their fear, and suffer from its effects for years to come. Others still are silent for a period of time, and after healing, become vocal to express their painful journey. Yet it sometimes takes many years for former members to understand the exact nature of that fear.

Members of a destructive religious cult are manipulated into an unhealthy view of outsiders. Cult leaders frequently mock or condemn those who do not agree with the cult doctrine and especially those who leave. Sometimes, this manipulation includes convincing members of things that are not true about outsiders, and before deciding to leave, members are often unaware. Worse, members themselves often repeat these statements. “They left because they couldn’t live to our higher standards!” "They aren’t part of us because they enjoy sin”. “They were never a believer to begin with”.

When these types of thoughts enter the collective mindset of a cult, they create self-replicating barriers of fear. It isn’t necessarily that a member who decides to leave is afraid of leaving; those who escape are often more afraid of what people will think or say about them after they leave. Why? They thought or said the very same things about other outsiders. Now that they have decided to leave, they realize that these thoughts or words were both harmful and hurtful, and there is a very high probability that they will be on the receiving end. Making these kinds of harmful statements, especially when other members can hear them, becomes a badge of honor. Cult members are also coerced into seeking affirmation from the group rather than from within, making this experience exponentially more difficult.

Overcoming fear in leaving is a process with multiple stages. There is the fear in deciding to leave; which is usually the fear of what people will think or say after leaving. The only way to overcome that fear, sadly, is to accept the fact that friends and loved ones will say awful things. They can’t help it. After leaving, however, there is a lifetime to show them the real person who left. Sometimes over time, members who remain will realize that their statements were both hurtful and unjustified.

Then comes the fear of losing friends and family members after leaving. This fear usually comes at the point in which a person knows they cannot remain in the cult, and cannot “unsee” the things they know are wrong about cult doctrine. Sadly, this too is unavoidable. People who leave a cult learn very quickly that the cult itself was the “tie that binds”, and when that tie is broken, most of their friendships were only superficial. It can sometimes feel like this fear is crippling, but they are only momentary fears. Most of the fear is overcome simply by becoming informed. Understand what is causing the fear. Understand how to respond to the fear. Learn to value and respect internal convictions and not to rely on what others think about those convictions. Most of all, understand that reactions from members of the cult are not their own. Remember what you came from, why you left, and once the fear is removed, think about where you are headed. Without the boundaries of fear, the possibilities are limitless!